Sometimes I think about how much I suck at people. Like maintaining relationships of any sort. I just am not good at talking, and saying things, and especially saying the right things at the right time. I think about my total social ineptitude, and sometimes I’m glad. I’m thankful. Because it means I didn’t inherit my dad’s people skills. It means I can’t manipulate them and shape their emotions like putty in my hands. It means I can’t wage any sort of psychological warfare with the people I love. In fact, it means I’m actually capable of love, something I’m almost certain he isn’t. Sure I don’t know what buttons to push to make a girl come chasing after me. But that means that if and when someone does decide to be with me, it will be because they actually care for me. Not because I tricked them into thinking they do. And I know I’ve got my own weird personality issues and disorders probably, but at least I don’t regard the people around me as pawns on a chess board meant to do my bidding, and act only in the way I think they should.
I’m glad I suck at this stuff, and I try to be as open about it as possible, because someday I’m gonna meet someone who loves me. Not in spite of these flaws. Not in ignorance of them. But because of them. They’ll think the way I stutter when I’m flustered is adorable. They will take immense pleasure in the look of panic I get when I have to talk on the phone. They will keep every crazy, rambling, wall of text, note or message I send them, as well as their own crazy, rambling response, and every once in a while they’ll look back at both with a smile of nostalgic embarrassment.
And most importantly they won’t hesitate to tell me, “Hey. You’re being a neurotic ass hat.” (Because that’s all I really need sometimes.) They’ll use those exact words, but they’ll probably say them in a way that sounds more like, “I love you.”
And I’m gonna love them even more for whatever craziness they’ve got going on. Because we’re all crazy in our own ways. I’m just glad I’m not the kind of crazy that waits forty years to show itself and makes me a totally destructive influence to everyone I touch.
I’m glad I suck at people, because the right ones don’t care.