So someone totally sent me a prompt in response to that last post, and I wanted to say THANK YOU!!! And also, I’m working on it, but writing is hard. :P Anyway, right now I’m probably going to reblog one of those stupid question posts, because I’m a twelve year old girl. Please ask me the things.
I wanna write something! Help me out peoples! I just need a spark, so send me like a sentence or a picture or something. What would you like to see me write about?
So, for anyone wondering about that last post (since I don’t know how to respond directly when someone replies to a post. Is there a way to do that, btw?) Yeah, I’m okay. I’m fine. Just a little frustrated with things. It was late, and I was tired, and I just sort of wrote a thing. I was talking to a friend yesterday about my most recent romantic failures, and I was surprised at how angry she was getting on my behalf. It was very strange, because I’ve been blaming myself for everything for so long, you know. I’m the creepy dude who won’t take a hint, or I moved too quickly and scared her off, or I’m just that freaking oblivious. I still believe all of these things are true to some extent. I mean there definitely is a pattern forming here, and I’m obviously the common denominator. But my friend seems to believe that this girl’s behavior is inexplicable and inexcusable (to the point that I’m glad I never told her who it was, because she seemed close to violence). She made me see that yeah, obviously I messed up, but this girl is being kind of selfish. I don’t know. I think if she were to try and start some sort of dialogue again, I probably wouldn’t say no. But I’m done trying. I just can’t deal with all these mixed signals and confusion anymore. I mean I obviously didn’t know her that well, and apparently not even as much as I thought, but what I did know of her was that she was an incredibly sweet and thoughtful person who seemed to like me a lot. But apparently that person stops existing when we’re not in the same room. I hope my post last night didn’t come across as super angry or anything. (I’m kind of thinking of deleting it, but then of course this post wouldn’t make any sense.) That’s not what I was going for at all. But then again, maybe anger is just one of the steps of getting over this nonsense. After all, this is just another in a long line of almosts. It’s a really strange feeling, having never been in an actual romantic relationship, and yet going through all the feelings one commonly associates with a breakup.
I used to think this silence came from a place of caring. Whatever you have to say is just going to hurt me so best not to say anything. That’s what I figured was going through your head. But I’m realizing now that’s bullshit. You don’t care about me, and no matter what it seemed like earlier, you never did. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. You’re selfish. I opened up to you, made myself vulnerable, and you didn’t like what you saw, but rather than simply telling me that, you just look the other direction. You can’t bring yourself to simply tell me the truth, so you stop talking entirely, and I’m left wondering what the hell is going on. It’s not fair, and I thought you were better than that. Just because you’re not talking doesn’t mean you’re not saying anything. What you’re telling me is that I’m not worth a response. I don’t deserve an answer. I’m no stranger to rejection, but this, this is just painful. I don’t understand why people can’t be honest with each other. We all play these stupid games, and it’s when I try to move past that that things fall apart. Even when I have been rejected rather than ignored, it’s never been entirely honest. It’s always, “The distance is too much,” or, “It would be too complicated.” It’s never that they don’t like me. There’s always something else in the way. And it’s all bullshit, but at least that way I can read between the lines and move on. The only reason people send all these mixed signals is because we’re all fucking confused all the fucking time. I get that. But a little honesty goes a long way. If you don’t like me in that way, just tell me. Sure, I’ll be bummed out, but I’ll get over it. But all this silence does nothing but drag out the torture. Every day I don’t hear from you, is another day the slow, painful realization washes over me that I’m not going to. And instead of dealing with the one reason I might get from you, I have to deal with every horrible possibility my brain can come up with. So you’re not saving me any pain. You’re just saving yourself from admitting you caused it.
I love the fact that smiles are so infectious. You see so many people every day. Everyone is in their own world, thinking about their own problems. But all it takes is a moment of eye contact and a genuine smile, and suddenly, even if they seemed to be having the worst day ever, they’re smiling right back at you. A bright smile that lights up their face, solely because they’ve been taken out of that bubble, even if only for a moment. And unfortunately it only lasts for a moment. Even if they continue smiling, after that initial spark, it’s not as real anymore. They’ve put the mask back on. And that’s okay. I think we all need that to stay sane sometimes. It’s just a pity we don’t let more people see us really smile.
I want to talk about games for a bit. Specifically I want to talk about two of my favorite games of all time, and the reasons I like them so much. The games are Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, and they are both so beautiful and creepy different and the same in so many ways. They were both made by the same team of developers led by Fumito Ueda. And they are extremely similar and disparate in so many ways it’s hard to explain. They’re both stand alone games technically. That was just Ico’s default setting. It didn’t have another game to stand next to for about five years. And when I first played Shadow I didn’t even know Ico existed. Having made that discovery years later, however, I immediately went and found my own copy of the game, and was not disappointed. Ico came out right around 2000, but looking at it, you probably wouldn’t place it in that time frame. It’s pretty obviously kind of old, but it has most definitely aged well. In fact the biggest factor that would date it most easily is the actual gameplay. You spend your time traversing a massive castle and solving puzzles in the environment, and some of those puzzles can be… less than compelling. But it’s a beautiful game, and in more ways than one. Basically, the game is about a little boy who is outcast from his society for incredibly stupid reasons which are completely out of his control. They pretty much take him to a giant mysterious castle where they leave him to rot. But he meets this girl who is also not there of her own accord, and they help each other to try to escape. Their relationship is fascinating. He’s like nine or ten years old. She’s older, possibly fourteen or fifteen. They don’t speak the same language, so there’s no dialogue of much note. He immediately takes it upon himself to protect her and get out of this place. It seems pretty clear that she doesn’t think there’s a chance in hell they can make it, but she follows him anyway, and as you progress she seems to get more and more hopeful. You travel through this castle protecting this girl and you’re holding her hand the whole time. There is actually a button to hold her hand, possibly my favorite video game design feature of all time. If she’s too far away to hold her hand, pressing the button makes the boy call out to her. And my favorite part of the game by far is the save points. Scattered throughout the castle are these little stone couches that you sit on together and rest and the nicest little bouncy tune plays as you sit in each other’s company. If you come back to the game after a while you find they’ve both dozed off next to each other. And when you press the hand holding button the boy will just sort of look at her. It’s all very sweet, and things get a little muddled toward the end, but then it turns out okay… probably.
And then we have Shadow of the Colossus. Shadow is a game where you literally kill giants, and that’s about it. The game is comprised entirely of sixteen boss battles. There are no other enemies to be found, barely any other life at all in fact. That game just drops you into this massive sandbox of a world, filled with nothing but ancient ruins and barren wilderness, and then tells you to go find these sixteen giant monsters and kill them all. The reason you are doing this is to save the life of a girl who was sacrificed by the people of your tribe or whatever. You stole a magic sword and came to a forbidden land trying to bring back your dead girlfriend basically. What makes this game so great is the way it tells you the story. It kind of doesn’t actually. Pretty much every bit of narrative is an inference the player makes based on everything else that’s going on. In Ico, we experience everything through Ico’s eyes. We know what he knows, and that let’s us connect on a deeper emotional level to what’s happening. But Shadow of the Colossus seems to very deliberately keep the player at arm’s length. We do not know what Wander knows. He obviously knows much more than we do, which is ironic, considering by the end of the game we realize he knew pathetically little of what he was doing. We only know what the game shows us, which isn’t much, and yet through the very nature of the game, we still inhabit the character. We are the one’s killing the colossi. It’s a very delicate balance that I haven’t really seen in other games. It allows the player a bit of distance from Wander and let’s them judge his actions as if they weren’t the one causing them. This distance isn’t too noticeable early on in the game. You run around slaying giants, feeling enormous accomplishment with each one, and yet something feels off. Watching these stone behemoths tumble slowly to the ground time after time starts to feel kind of sad rather than exhilarating. As you go on, Wander starts looking a little the worse for wear, which is probably to be expected. But wasn’t his hair a reddish brown before, instead of this sickly black color? And is that just dirt on his skin, or, well, what else could it be right?
I remember playing this game for the first time and feeling the strongest and most vague sense of doubt I’d ever felt. Something about this whole thing just feels wrong at some point, but you keep going because you’ve already come so far and there’s literally nothing else to do in this game. That’s the other thing. There is such a profound sense of loneliness, which is quite beautiful at times, and entirely creepy at others. You spend hours wandering around a massive empty landscape, and you don’t even mind that much because it’s beautiful and there’s that huge sense of accomplishment once you’ve actually found a colossus and figured out how to take it down. Once again things get a bit muddled toward the end, and honestly I had to replay the game quite a few times before I had any idea what the hell was going on. I was incredibly confused. And yet I very distinctly remember crying at the end of this game and not even really knowing why. As confused as I was about what was actually happening in terms of story, the game had touched me on a very deep emotional level that I really didn’t understand. And that’s what stuck with me most about this game.
But what’s really so amazing about both of these games is how open for interpretation they are. They both have pretty vague, (confusing,) ambiguous endings. There is a very valid argument to be made for the entire final act of Ico not even actually happening at all. And there’s so much symbolism and things that are probably going way over my head with both games, it’s actually a bit ridiculous. But the point is you can look at these games through different lenses with each play through and see something new and thought provoking every time. And one of the lenses you can view them through is that they are two parts of a single story.
Now I’ve already said they are both perfectly functional as stand alone games. They tell there own very different stories in their own different ways. Ico is a story of two outcasts finding each other and supporting each other through a time of great hardships. And Shadow of the Colossus is a story about making horrible, terrible, life altering decisions all in the name of love. But when you look at them together— something which is not hard to do if you’re actually looking at them. From the clothes the characters wear, to the architecture of buildings, or the oddly specific types of magic which seem to exist in this universe, or even the very atmosphere of the games, it’s quite clear the two games exist in the same world. Either that or the developers just have a very specific style.— It becomes clear that they lend each other a rather beautiful sense of context. Together they become a tale of mistakes and redemption, of loss and love.
At this point it’s becoming very hard to talk about my reasons for loving these games without giving massive spoilers, which is something I don’t want to do. I know they came out a decade ago, and have since gained a bit of status as great examples of art in games, and games in general. But there’s still quite a lot of people who have never played them and even more who have never even heard of them. So talking about it more could ruin the experience for them. So I’m just going to end this by saying if you haven’t played these games, you should. There’s no excuse. A few years ago they may have been hard to find, due to an extremely limited release, especially in the case of Ico, but they were re-released (in HD no less) on the PS3 a few years ago. If you have a friend who has played these games, ask them about it, they will love you forever. If you have a friend who has been bugging you to play these games, please do. If you don’t have a friend who’s been bugging you, play them anyway. I’ll be your friend. They’re just so beautiful in so many ways, no one should deprive themselves of that experience.
wanting to talk to someone really bad
but they ignore your message
and you see them talking to other people
This is my life.
(Source: dewgongo, via goodnightbabes)
Sometimes I wish I was someone else, just so I wouldn’t have to put up with me all the time.
Seriously, how does anyone even like me?
I was so close to
something, but I don’t know what.